I’ve started this blog to document my journey to becoming (or possibly accepting never becoming) a mother. No doubt my journey is different but parallel to my husband’s, but this blog will document my own thoughts and feelings along the way.Beginning of March: I went to see an OBGYN that was recommended by my mom. When I first showed up it seemed like a very nice facility, but it was also very busy. As I waited for my name to be called I was getting anxious. The room seemed like an assembly line for pregnant women. The front desk is set up to look like a row of bank tellers and there is a line of women with all sizes of bumps. The waiting room had not an empty seat as expecting couples buzzed around me. I was alone with my thoughts. I had taken a pregnancy test a few months earlier just to rule out the possibility for the cause of my non-existent periods. No such luck. But, as I sat there I couldn’t help but wonder if that day I would find out some wonderfully surprising news.

The nurse practitioner I saw that day ordered me to have blood drawn at the lab on Monday to test for several different hormonal imbalances that may be causing my problems. No periods, severe skin irritations on my face, mood swings, and nausea are just a few things on my list of complaints. They tested for Thyroid problems and a few other levels. I was to wait a week before the test results came in.
On that Friday, my father-in-law went in for emergency surgery. I was in the hospital for 11 hours that day waiting with my husband and mother-in-law and giving my support. THAT was the day I got the call from my test results. I stepped into the hall to take the call from Jessica, the nurse practitioner I had seen. She first asked me, “Do you have any kids?” and I quickly answered, “No.” uh oh.
“I’ve got your test results, and they are rather shocking.” I froze.
“It seems that your ??? levels are rather high, and that is normally something we see with a woman going through menopause.”
“Oh God.” I took in a breath. “What does this mean?”
She replied, “Well, I want to have you tested again, but if this is the case, you may not be able to get pregnant on your own.”
I started to cry right there in the hall, on the phone. I told her that I wanted to get the tests redone, but that if it IS what she thinks, I want to get it resolved and move foreword as soon as possible.

It is now St. Patrick’s Day. I teach Kindergarten and every day has been a struggle to get through. I rely on my husband to cheer me up and he has been an absolute shining beacon for me. I have an appointment with a fertility clinic at the end of March to discuss what my options are. When I started all of this, I wasn’t ready for children. Now, if I have the chance I will do everything I can to get the process going. For, now I’m keeping busy and trying not to think about it.
Even now, the mention of babies or children gets me teary eyed. I may have to accept living my life without raising children. I haven’t lost hope yet.

A little history: I was told several years ago by my OBGYN that because of my irregular menstrual cycles (no I will not be discussing this in great detail), I would have a harder time getting pregnant should I want to. My husband and I were far from thinking about that at the time since I was finishing school and he had yet to begin any secondary education. After I graduated college I chose to go on implant contraception (Implanon) because I was going to be working to support my husband through his schooling for the next 2 years.
My husband and I have always known children would be in our future, but we both agreed that it was best to wait until we had made a stable, established household first. I am an avid listener of Dr. Laura and my personal beliefs about child rearing is that I wanted to be home raising them during their formative years. So that meant my husband needed to be making enough income to support a family.
Well, to wrap it up: My husband finished school 1 year early and I was not happy with the hormonal changes happening to me during the year I had the implanon in my arm. I made the choice then to take it out in July 2009 and use other forms of birth control when necessary (also, not going into detail. Sorry). It has been 9 mos. since I have had even a hint of a menstrual cycle. This is where my story begins.