Yesterday was an unusually warm day for mid-March. I took the kindergarteners outside for a break. It is a shame that our days are usually so rushed and busy that we don’t get time to enjoy the outdoors and each other’s company for 15 minutes. I took so much pleasure in running around with them, chasing them, sliding down slides, and climbing on the rock wall. They gave me strange looks at first, but it made them laugh to see me playing like a kid. They are my kids.

Several years ago I started working for a company and met Amanda, my supervisor, who was 8 mos pregnant at the time. She relayed to me how many months it took her and her husband to conceive and how the pressure and disappointment was taking a toll on her. She hated to go to church because seeing all the young families and their new babies made her heart ache too much. I have often heard other women tell of the moment when “baby fever” hits them like a ton of bricks and they can think of nothing else.  It was actually frightening to think of it, and I vowed it would never happen to me. (Yeah, like being ‘twitterpated’ never happened to Bambi).

I have always consistently kept in the back of my mind the possibility that I may never have children of my own. I have always been careful in talking to people to say, “If I ever have children” rather than, “When I have children.” I do this as a protection for myself against failure and disappointment. I don’t want to put my husband through the pain and stress that some marriages go through as a result of infertility.  My husband and I would dream of a life without responsibility or dependency, a dual income family with the freedom to spend their lives traveling, saving money, and never know what it’s like to struggle financially or have to ‘find a babysitter’ so we can go out.

Still, I could not help but hurt inside this morning when I was driving to work and saw a school bus stopped to pick up a group of waiting children. I thought of how I would miss out on taking my child by the hand on their first day of Kindergarten and kissing them goodbye.