Archive for June, 2010

Being Selective

I have no room in my life for people who make me feel bad. I’ve had friends in the past that have said, “I have recently cut off people from my life who are negative and who torture me or make me feel bad.” I would always nod in understanding while in the back of my mind I would think ‘Man, they must have a lot of drama in their life to have friends who would behave that way.’ Now, I am in a position of the same caliber, but for different reasons. I have been blessed to have some really great friends who are supportive, understanding, and are there for me when I need it most. That said, I also have had friends that were more like acquaintances and we slowly drifted further and further apart, neither of us being committed enough in the friendship to call and get together anymore. It is a natural progression of life and it is completely fine with me if I can eventually weed out people from my life to narrow down to the most important, most respondent, most connected friends.

It wasn’t until recently that anyone had blatantly hurt my feelings and caused me to consciously decide to disconnect my relationship with them. When dark times befall you, for whatever reason, you find out who your true friends are. As someone struggling with the idea of being childless, I never wanted any of my friends to be afraid to let me be a part of their childful lives. I have been so grateful to my closest friends, all of whom have recently had babies, for including me in as much of their joy as possible. Rather than being afraid it would only upset me and make me sad, they have made me feel an important role in supporting them. I have been allowed to help with baby shower planning, given updates of the birth, invited to come and hold the baby, even given the nickname “aunt”!

When a close friend who is also expecting was not calling anymore, I figured our time together was coming to an end. I knew that our husbands were close friends and probably always would be, but I am familiar with the signs of “girlfriend breakup”. We will be moving away, out of state, soon and it seemed like a perfect opportunity to weed out anyone who didn’t want to stay connected after we moved away. We would only stay in close contact with the individuals who took the same time and effort they we do to stay in touch. However, this all came to a shocking, sudden halt when I was not invited to this particular friend’s baby shower. The hurt I felt was so strong and upsetting, I just couldn’t understand it. Had I done or said something that would cause this reaction? Maybe, but not that I can easily pinpoint. Was she afraid that the baby themed party would send me into a fit of hysterical crying and ruin her good time? I don’t know, but not likely. I knew we were slowly growing apart, leading our own busy lives, but to deliberately not invite me to a gathering of close friends and family? There have been many many times over the years when I have been there for her most darkest hours. It is a clear message for sure. I guess I should be grateful I don’t have to buy a gift and figure she just didn’t want whatever gift I had to offer.

I am writing about this today to hopefully help people understand what it feels like for childless women are shut out of people’s lives rather than included in them. I am writing this because I now know what it is like to have to shut out a negative person from your life. I choose to shut out anyone who makes me feel so awful because I want to focus my attention on the crowds that make me feel so happy. It is not worth my time and energy to focus on the negative feelings and hurtful response of just one individual.  I am pleased to have such good friends and so many who are understanding of my peculiar situation. As adults, it is our right to be selective of who we choose to spend our time with.

*Sigh* oh well, just two more weeks until the big move.

 In case anyone was curious about the hormone treatment:

It has now been over two months since I started the hormone replacement therapy. I take estrogen daily and progesterone on days 1-12 of each month. I have not noticed any significant change in my skin (darn it), but my weight had kept steady (yeah!). Until taking this hormone medication I had not had a menstruation cycle for more than 9 months. I have now had two regular cycles since. From a medical perspective I do not know if this means I have been ovulating normally, but personally I think it shows promise. I would like to stress again that Matt and I are not particularly eager to have a baby right away, but that it would be nice to know it was possible. Now when people ask “when are you two gonna. . .” or “is there any sign of a . . .any time soon?” I just simply reply, “Now that would be a miracle.”

A new start

Summer babies are being born or getting ready to enter the world soon. A new start for new parents and a new start for us as well. This year has been hard on us for many reasons but it feels that we may finally be getting back on track. I am going back to teaching this year at the school I never wanted to leave. We are hoping that moving away from our hometown and back to the big city will give us a fresh start and more opportunities. Our goals for being more settled, Matt’s career hopefully taking a turn for the better, and my career taking off again will put us in a more secure state of mind.

It won’t be easy and there are still a lot more “hopefully” s than I like to have in my future plans, but we remain optimistic. Talk to me in 6 months when we are either looking for a house, or flat broke and begging on the streets. Either way, at least I’ll have felt that we are moving on. It does bring me comfort to know that I don’t have to plan on any unexpected babies, as we have always been careful to think of in the past. There is a certain freedom to think, “Well, if we are poor, than we are poor. We have no one to answer to but ourselves.”

I have been fortunate enough to see friends and relatives around me start their new lives as parents and it is an amazing transformation. There is something so selfless, spiritual, and uplifting about seeing people close to you become parents for the first time. I might call it pure craziness, because if anyone knew how exhausting and draining being a parent can be, no one would ever have children. And yet we all want it, and do it, and don’t regret it.

I have evolved in these last months, even since my last entry. I would not have called myself “bitter” toward women who get to experience pregnancy and childbirth when I have not, may not ever. I would say that I’ve experienced pain, and mourning, and an eagerness for my life to have some significance. Now I am at peace with my destiny. If I am destined to become a mother, it will be so, when it will be so. I cannot change or fight it, and I certainly won’t put strain on my marriage because of it. Really, there is no need to think of it until we would be ready anyway.

For now, it simply gives me peace of mind to see the struggles of parenthood that I don’t yet have to face. The screaming, messy, stinky bundles of continuous energy. The sleepless nights of worry and  the days of exhausting repetition. The expense, the time, the concerns, the schedules, all revolving around the little one.

To those I know who are about to experience it all: Enjoy every second of it, soak it in, love it all.