Summer babies are being born or getting ready to enter the world soon. A new start for new parents and a new start for us as well. This year has been hard on us for many reasons but it feels that we may finally be getting back on track. I am going back to teaching this year at the school I never wanted to leave. We are hoping that moving away from our hometown and back to the big city will give us a fresh start and more opportunities. Our goals for being more settled, Matt’s career hopefully taking a turn for the better, and my career taking off again will put us in a more secure state of mind.

It won’t be easy and there are still a lot more “hopefully” s than I like to have in my future plans, but we remain optimistic. Talk to me in 6 months when we are either looking for a house, or flat broke and begging on the streets. Either way, at least I’ll have felt that we are moving on. It does bring me comfort to know that I don’t have to plan on any unexpected babies, as we have always been careful to think of in the past. There is a certain freedom to think, “Well, if we are poor, than we are poor. We have no one to answer to but ourselves.”

I have been fortunate enough to see friends and relatives around me start their new lives as parents and it is an amazing transformation. There is something so selfless, spiritual, and uplifting about seeing people close to you become parents for the first time. I might call it pure craziness, because if anyone knew how exhausting and draining being a parent can be, no one would ever have children. And yet we all want it, and do it, and don’t regret it.

I have evolved in these last months, even since my last entry. I would not have called myself “bitter” toward women who get to experience pregnancy and childbirth when I have not, may not ever. I would say that I’ve experienced pain, and mourning, and an eagerness for my life to have some significance. Now I am at peace with my destiny. If I am destined to become a mother, it will be so, when it will be so. I cannot change or fight it, and I certainly won’t put strain on my marriage because of it. Really, there is no need to think of it until we would be ready anyway.

For now, it simply gives me peace of mind to see the struggles of parenthood that I don’t yet have to face. The screaming, messy, stinky bundles of continuous energy. The sleepless nights of worry and  the days of exhausting repetition. The expense, the time, the concerns, the schedules, all revolving around the little one.

To those I know who are about to experience it all: Enjoy every second of it, soak it in, love it all.