It is time, in a peaceful moment at home, that I update my internal dialogue digitally on this blog. I have recently come to the decision to be a mother somehow. When first told that the chances of conceiving naturally were extremely low for me, I didn’t know how to handle it. Should I except my fate as a childless heir? Should I examine other possibilities? Should I keep us hope that it will still happen naturally for me when the time is right?

There is hope. I stopped taking my hormones for a month and nothing happened. I continued the regular dose of Estrogen replacement daily in September and nothing happened for 3 months. Suddenly, for whatever reason, I started a cycle this month without the progesterone! I apologize if this is TMI, but if you could see it from my perspective: My body is showing glimpses of working normal (at least some of the time).

One way or another, I will become a mother. I don’t know when or how, but I’m ready to accept that it’s in my future. I knew I was ready to make that decision (with my husband of course) because I have begun making lists in my mind. Lists of things that I should start getting in order before I could manage being a parent.

  • pay off pending medical bills
  • look into steps of buying a house
  • begin the process of buying a house by February
  • remember to take those go*% da*# daily multi-vitamins

Matt has also expressed his need to get these things in order. As a complete surprise to myself, he has often turned to me and made comments that I never thought I’d hear him say. Things about wanting to be father, preparing for a family, and a future with children of his own. But there have been other lists running through my head lately. Lists of memories I have with my own mother and lists of moments I don’t want to miss:

  • My little girl finding my box of wedding jewelry and asking to try it on
  • Matt holding our little boy up higher to see something he can’t reach.
  • Teaching our pre-teen daughter the proper way to wear make-up that will go best with her eyes.
  • Grounding our teenage son because he came home late. . .again.

I know that other couples faced with infertility must have the same thoughts that I often have when thinking about these things, or when around other couples who have kids. I think, How can anyone who conceives so easily truly understand or comprehend the complete miracle their children are? Can they really have full appreciation for their blessings if it wasn’t hard to obtain?

Just as I don’t really know what being a parent is like, they can never truly know what struggling to become a parent is like. I don’t doubt that these parents love their children with every fiber of their existence, but could they ever really know. . . .you know.. . .what we know?