I suppose anyone would relish a flat tummy in the wake of New Year’s resolutions. Matt and I have certainly made our novel’s worth of goals for this coming year and I waited until February to post them publicly.That way, I could also give a report of how they are actually going in the first month.

1. Work-Out Hour is from 8-9 pm every weeknight, excluding Wednesday.

2. Take supplement vitamins daily.

3. Upon completing coinciding monthly goals leading up to and including: Buying our first house.

4. Manage and budget finances monthly (as part of the goals leading to #3).

5. See the necessary doctors to find the source and hopefully cure for getting these wacky hormones under control. (This eludes to the synthetic hormones possibly needing an adjustment, or maybe I’m just going nuts)

These are our goals for 2011, more or less. How are they going? #1, #2, and #5 are health related but #1 seems to be the only progress made so far. This is not to sound disappointed, however, because this is the first time I’ve stuck to a work-out routine for so many weeks in a row. The results of my achievement is a flat tummy.

Until now, my view towards procreation has been fairly logical and practical. I’ve never considered myself to be a gushing, baby-hungry type of person. I enjoy babies, but I am also happy to hand them right back when they prove too much for my understanding. My desire to have children has always been for the purpose of putting effort and influence towards another human being. I’ve always pictured myself becoming a mother, whatever path it took to get there.

There have been moments lately of intense mourning for what cannot be. Suddenly, I am in the midst of an emotional battle with reason that isn’t logical or practical. I resent a flat tummy when so many blessed women around me experience a growing life inside them. I don’t hesitate when offered the chance to cradle, admire, smell, and dote upon a precious baby that doesn’t belong to me.

I have to stress, again, that this is not like me! It isn’t practical to want a baby, I wanted a life. I wanted to be called Mom. I wanted to see a child of mine raised by us to join the world as another functional citizen of the world. I wanted to trip and stumble my way through parenthood when I came to the unfortunate, but familiar realization that children are not at all easy and they don’t come with instructions! I wanted to see my own child excerpt a personality that surprises and baffles me as to where it came from!

I was once told by a college professor in Family Human Relations. “If people really knew how hard it is to raise children, no one would ever have any.” We don’t know how hard it’s going to be, we have to be programmed to want it with a little bit of un-logical thinking. This may be so, but not many parents know how hard it is NOT to have any.

I’ll leave you with that.