Category: Present


For almost a year I’ve neglected my blog out of respect to the stages of grief. Even with a 9 month hiatus I can confidenlty say I’m more devoted to this blog than I ever was to my journal. For what I’ve blogged so far, and for all the future blogging I’m about to do, I apologize for nothing. That said, I would like to share with any readers (if there are any left who might scan over this) the personal journey of spiritual awakening and self-awareness. If anyone knows me personally, you know that I do not share my true self often. Most of who I am to my average friend and acquaintance is the bare surface. I prefer to keep it that way.I fear that revealing myself too much leaves me exposed to be judged or criticized. I suppose that is why I started this blog. It is my way of reaching out, connecting, with those I would consider to be the closest, safest and most understanding people in my life.

I have added a few links to provide further information about a few topics I am going to share. My husband and I were introduced to a documentary made from a book called ‘The Secret’ a few months ago. Since then, we’ve devoted a lot of our free time and spiritual study on this and similar life changes. We’ve noticed a significant difference in our lives, and for me, learning to accept what may or may not happen with my fertility. I now realize that possibilities are endless, and I have power of mind to control what is brought my way.

Matt has used his study of The Secret to learn more about being successful financially. This didn’t surprise me. Since I’ve known Matt he’s been a frugal type of person, a natural fear of debt, and a certain sense of pride with earning and saving. I am enough the same way that our marriage has weathered any financial storm with very little conflict (thank goodness). Anyway, it was no surprise to me that he interpreted The Secret in his life to getting rich. Wealthy, not greedy, but a comfortable living without need for more. He found The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace D. Wattles which lead him to read some of his other books The Science of Being Well and Health Through New Thought Fasting, all dedicated to the idea that the mind has been scientifically proven to overcome all things if trained to think the right way. In the short time we’ve been practicing these simple life changes, we’ve seen results that prove (at least to us) that it can work. Matt’s success at work with promotions and raises, buying a the car that he wanted, making upgrades and small renovations to our home, vacations we believe were all made possible by the positive thinking and focus we practice.

I had seen how the power my mind had made things possible for me. I had pinned a picture of a bedroom set I had my eyes on to the desktop of my computer and within 2 months it was in my bedroom. How? I had been visualizing it in my bedroom, when an unplanned trip to the furniture store on a lazy Saturday, we happened to find that bedroom set in the sale corner of the store. I choose to believe it wasn’t coincidence. The Secret emphasises that in order for things you want to be attracted to you, you must live with the same happiness and joy as if you already have it. Even after seeing this working in our lives, I was still struggling with my infertility and why I couldn’t control that aspect of my life. I still felt that my body was out of my control, broken. What’s more, I didn’t want to give up my grief for positive thinking yet. Matt would get frustrated because I wasn’t using the secret to think positive, instead focusing on what I couldn’t have and how bad I wanted it. It just wasn’t that easy to let go. I wanted PERMISSION to be upset, angry, frustrated, devastated, and overwhelmed. Adoption is expensive. IVF is more expensive with little guarantee it would work. My hopes and dreams of starting a family seemed further out of reach every day.

What frustrated me most is how much focus Matt was putting on getting rich, and very little attention to having a baby make its way into our future. I felt, and still feel, that if it’s going to happen, we both need to be focused on the same goal. I never want adopting a baby to feel like getting a puppy. Me: “Can I keep it Matty, huh, can I?” Matt: “Weeeell, Ok. But you have to take care of it. Feed it, play with it. It’s your baby.” I need to know that he is just as much on board with the whole process. He never has seemed like it to me. He’s not all that comfortable around kids, babies especially.

Then, Matt comes to me and says. “I think if you really want a baby, you need to be visualizing it every waking moment. What I’ve been reading, if you have to remind yourself to keep thinking about it, you don’t really want it all that bad. It has to be as if NOT thinking about it would be like not having oxygen” I had to force myself not to roll my eyes. My first thought was, ‘You really don’t need to give me lessons on visualization. Being a teacher, artist, and actress (by hobby, not profession), I’ve perfected the art of imagination way past the age when it’s socially acceptable. How do you think I get through my life? Even now, I’m not typing my computer in my bedroom, but in a tropical beach somewhere with crystal blue water, palm trees, 75 degrees, and white sand under my feet. I’m the QUEEN of my own universe. Visualize that.’ My second thought was, ‘I’m not the one who needs to be told to imagine myself with a baby, think about a baby, visualize MY baby. YOU’RE the one who needs practice in this department.’

Matt admitted to me that thinking about himself as a parent does not come naturally to him. He thinks about success at work, making more money, more easily. Focusing on that keeps him focused and determined which is why the success has become more and more real. So I asked him, “But why? Why work so hard? Why work for a raise or a promotion? With both or our income, we do well enough to live comfortable and some left over to play with. So tell me, why?” He thought for a moment, “Because I want to make enough to afford adopting a baby and providing for you and the baby if you stay home to raise our children.” I said, “There, you see? We were both working for the same outcome. We just focus on it in different ways. All you have to do is take your focus on money a step further.”

Last night, Matt and I watched videos about ‘Tapping’ that intrigued me. Our path of study lead us to it after Matt read The Science of Getting Rich. Tapping is a form of acupuncture that replaced needles with tapping pressure points of the body. The idea is that while tapping, you talk through your stress and rewire your brain to form new habits. It has helped people lose weight, quit smoking, calm physical pains, as well as provide meditation and therapy to calm emotional stress. We watched some of the videos and began using the tapping method to calm more obvious stresses, and found deep emotional stresses that are the cause of it. This is how I came to be aware of the pain I felt for having not had a baby yet. I found that regret, self-consciousness, self-pity, sense of failure were all blocking my ability to feel well.

The journey to acceptance is not over (hence the ? in the title), but I have found these theories, methods, philosophies to be inspiring and helpful. I thought they might be helpful to others. I know that my faith in my church, Heavenly Father, my family, friends, myself have grown immensely. I feel a strong connection to the positive thinking exercises and my own happiness throughout the day, and the way I handle stress. I would be proud to share the wealth and I would like to know how or if it has any effect in your life.

Puppy Love

I’d appreciate if you are a parent of a human being, try to have some understanding of where I’m coming from here and not judge me too much on my naivety. This entry is, in actuality, a confession of my ignorance. As an educator I devote my life to learning and benefiting children’s needs. I would never claim to know or lecture anyone on the best way to raise children, but I’ll admit I’ve expressed my opinions and ideas in case I’m ever given the opportunity to use them. In my years of study and experience, I’d grown confident in my ability to prove my capabilities as a parent. Now, I can honestly bow down and kiss the feet of anyone giving their best effort at keeping sanity while claiming the title of “mother”.

My recent self-reflection revelation came when I brought home my first, brand new, baby.  . .puppy. I mentally prepared myself for months before we brought her home, knowing how difficult and stressful raising and training a puppy can be. We purchased our baby girl before she was even born, signing a contract and entering an agreement to care for a pure-bred, miniature Australian Shepherd. You could call it practice for the inevitable day when we enter an adoption agreement for a human baby. I don’t want anyone after me with comments about, “You should have looked for a companion in a shelter or rescue for a dog with dire need of a home.” I’ve seen the super-sad puppy dog commercials with the  Sarah McLaughlin songs, so I get it. Well, we tried that first. In searching the local shelters we concluded we would never be good parents to a chihuahua or pit-bull mix, which is all there is available. The Australian Shepherd breed is high on the intelligence chart and we know that can be both an advantage and a challenge.

In the months since deciding to be puppy parents and then waiting for her to be born, weened, and pass her 8 week check-up, I prepared. I purchased the necessary puppy-proofing equipment and all the accessories. I researched puppy training tools, sought the best deals, and read many books. I did all the planning steps and milestones you might see in an expectant mother, short of Lamaze classes. I realize that I could have appeared . . .well, crazy to anyone who didn’t know me. During this time, we were in the process of buying a house (nesting) and the distractions were exactly what I needed. To anyone who DOES know me, I hope they understood how much I needed this happiness in my life and clung to it religiously.

I was busy planning physically, but I also ran scenarios through my mind to prepare myself for the certain stress I would experience in the first year. Puppies are a handful, anyone can tell you. I’ve often heard my mom say that the first 2 years with our dog, Louie, was worse than having a toddler. The messes, the chewing, the digging, the barking and the never-ending energy! It was a constant training frenzy. I had to have a plan for everything: What I would do if she barks all night, chews furniture, potty training. . .etc. I thought I was ready.

Then, it was time to bring the little precious home. We had been to visit her several times at the breeder’s house. We had an updated picture for every week of her short infancy in an album. We had the car decked out in puppy-tarp and carrying case. We thought of everything. I had even spent the morning cleaning our new (yes, new!) house, because I thought I wouldn’t have enough time once the baby/puppy was home. From day 1, she tested my every expectation. Like being a parent, huh? She slept all day!

From the day we brought her home, I had no way of preparing myself for the sheer frustration and lack of confidence I would feel. The first 2 weeks I spent every free moment cleaning the floors obsessively. It wasn’t that she had that many accidents on the floor, because she was actually  well trained for an 8 week puppy. It was just the all-tile floors, and they just NEVER seemed to stay clean! I was trying every cleaning product known to man, and I couldn’t keep the little specks of dirt or marks from appearing only seconds later. And because I was taking the little pup out every hour, she would track in more with each trip to the backyard. Aaaah! Then, there’s the constant need for attention and teaching and validation. The job never ends, and no activity is sacred. Even now, I have not typed this entry without quick pauses to get her head out of the garbage, taking away her bag of treats that she pulled from her own toy box, seeing where she went hiding and why it just got soooo quiet. . .all of a sudden. There have been days, and moments, where I thought I might completely lose my sanity.

All the mental preparation wasn’t sufficient to allow myself true knowledge of the sheer frustration that raising a puppy could be. The whole experience had me feeling very inadequate. I began to doubt whether I could ever handle being a mother (of a human baby) or if I had been stricken barren by the Lord for a very good reason: I was never meant to raise children. All these years believing that I could actually do this, and better than some others! The nerve I had to even think it. Although my complaints and experiences have been for a meer animal in my care, I do understand that the responsibility of caring for a child is 10 times this. I was shaken, to say the least.

To make matters worse, I have the responsibility of caring for, teaching, and devoting my life to the education of other people’s children. How could a mother of a student ever trust me to give educational advise about their child when I don’t have a clue what it is to actually raise one myself? I can mentally prepare myself and make decisions about how I’d handle being a mother, but I will NEVER, EVER, truly know what it means.

To be fair, she is a very easy-going and mellow little gal compared to other dogs her age and breed. I am grateful for that. Every tear-jerking, hair-pulling experience has been building blocks of moments that can only bring our bond closer and I love her dearly. It has shown me that my efforts and being consistent, however exhausting, are well worth it. Every day is easier, happier, and filled with the joy that only a furry companion can bring to our lives. And so:

* Lucy has taught me that preparation is still important, but the actual experience of being a mother is something no one can predict.

* Lucy has taught me that cleanliness, order, and perfection is solved simply by a change in perspective.

*Lucy has  taught me that devotion and love can be expressed by the willingness to never give up on the teaching moments that matter.

* Lucy has taught me that I am never going to be ready to be a mother, but I that doesn’t mean I’m not qualified.

Mother’s Day Club

When I started this blog, it was over 1 year ago and writing in it made me feel better. Why then, is it so hard to get courage to write in it more frequently?

I have to admit, I’ve been pleasantly distracted in Euphoria for the last 2 months. There is nothing to keep you from being depressed like a good, long, distraction. Matt and I have been in the process of buying our first home. We hope to close the deal in the coming week. We also became self-proclaimed puppy parents to a Miniature Aussie that was born March 26th. She will be coming home on May 28th.

Both events gave me a feeling of finally moving forward in our lives. We can’t be parents yet? Fine. I’ll do everything else. The plan worked so well that I found I no longer cared whether I had/could have children. I found that the daily burst-into-tears moment at the sight of any mother-children routine had finally ebbed. I’ve been stressed and crazed at all the paperwork, money budgeting, and puppy preparations that I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself.

This week is Teacher Appreciation week, as well as today being Mother’s Day. This last year in my career I’ve come to a brilliant conclusion that I wish more parents would understand: PARENTS INFLUENCE THEIR CHILDREN MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD!

Think that’s obvious? Not to everyone. I was told through education we could change children’s lives. If they had a rough home life, WE could be their safe haven for learning. This may be true to a small amount, but I’ve had a front row seat to what really happens.

As a kindergarten teacher, I spent countless hours of teaching time focusing on ‘being a good person’. I teach my class how to respect one another, how to walk away when a situation is unhealthy or uncomfortable, how to keep their hands off of each other. Last year, I substitute taught a High School class for 6 weeks. I saw what NO kindergarten teacher should ever have to see. I realized that all that hard work of teaching comes to no avail. What was I thinking? I get them for ONE year of their lives. As much as I care about them, try to influence them, they are still going to grow up a whole lifetime of influence from other things. High School kids? They don’t respect each other, themselves, or keep their hands off each other. What was the point?

Another realization I came to this year, as I taught first grade . I’ll be honest, this class is a ROUGH bunch of kids. As a class, they tend to barely keep their heads above water. In general, they come from distracted and inconsistent backgrounds so they have little experience or value in education. It is no surprise to me though, that the percentage of my class performing on, or above grade-level are the students with the most parent involvement.  With some of my students, I could inspire, teach, care for, beg, bribe, but they would still NOT do their homework or complete their work in school. Test scores drop and drop.  However, some of my students that may have struggled with one or two subjects in the beginning of the year and need extra teaching time, extra help, are now performing above and beyond expectations. These students are the ones whose parents show up for every conference with me, check their homework every night, sign their Reading Logs and actually ARE reading with them. It is no coincidence.

In short, Parents Matter Most. I am appreciated as a teacher and I am grateful for the chance, but I will never have true influence over a child’s life until I can celebrate Mother’s Day (and not just as the mother of a puppy).

To all the Moms out there:  You are more than just the dishwasher, laundress, taxi, housekeeper, couch, referee, teacher, etc. You are more than ALL of them. Never forget that.

Happy Mother’s Day

Flat Tummy

I suppose anyone would relish a flat tummy in the wake of New Year’s resolutions. Matt and I have certainly made our novel’s worth of goals for this coming year and I waited until February to post them publicly.That way, I could also give a report of how they are actually going in the first month.

1. Work-Out Hour is from 8-9 pm every weeknight, excluding Wednesday.

2. Take supplement vitamins daily.

3. Upon completing coinciding monthly goals leading up to and including: Buying our first house.

4. Manage and budget finances monthly (as part of the goals leading to #3).

5. See the necessary doctors to find the source and hopefully cure for getting these wacky hormones under control. (This eludes to the synthetic hormones possibly needing an adjustment, or maybe I’m just going nuts)

These are our goals for 2011, more or less. How are they going? #1, #2, and #5 are health related but #1 seems to be the only progress made so far. This is not to sound disappointed, however, because this is the first time I’ve stuck to a work-out routine for so many weeks in a row. The results of my achievement is a flat tummy.

Until now, my view towards procreation has been fairly logical and practical. I’ve never considered myself to be a gushing, baby-hungry type of person. I enjoy babies, but I am also happy to hand them right back when they prove too much for my understanding. My desire to have children has always been for the purpose of putting effort and influence towards another human being. I’ve always pictured myself becoming a mother, whatever path it took to get there.

There have been moments lately of intense mourning for what cannot be. Suddenly, I am in the midst of an emotional battle with reason that isn’t logical or practical. I resent a flat tummy when so many blessed women around me experience a growing life inside them. I don’t hesitate when offered the chance to cradle, admire, smell, and dote upon a precious baby that doesn’t belong to me.

I have to stress, again, that this is not like me! It isn’t practical to want a baby, I wanted a life. I wanted to be called Mom. I wanted to see a child of mine raised by us to join the world as another functional citizen of the world. I wanted to trip and stumble my way through parenthood when I came to the unfortunate, but familiar realization that children are not at all easy and they don’t come with instructions! I wanted to see my own child excerpt a personality that surprises and baffles me as to where it came from!

I was once told by a college professor in Family Human Relations. “If people really knew how hard it is to raise children, no one would ever have any.” We don’t know how hard it’s going to be, we have to be programmed to want it with a little bit of un-logical thinking. This may be so, but not many parents know how hard it is NOT to have any.

I’ll leave you with that.

Making lists

It is time, in a peaceful moment at home, that I update my internal dialogue digitally on this blog. I have recently come to the decision to be a mother somehow. When first told that the chances of conceiving naturally were extremely low for me, I didn’t know how to handle it. Should I except my fate as a childless heir? Should I examine other possibilities? Should I keep us hope that it will still happen naturally for me when the time is right?

There is hope. I stopped taking my hormones for a month and nothing happened. I continued the regular dose of Estrogen replacement daily in September and nothing happened for 3 months. Suddenly, for whatever reason, I started a cycle this month without the progesterone! I apologize if this is TMI, but if you could see it from my perspective: My body is showing glimpses of working normal (at least some of the time).

One way or another, I will become a mother. I don’t know when or how, but I’m ready to accept that it’s in my future. I knew I was ready to make that decision (with my husband of course) because I have begun making lists in my mind. Lists of things that I should start getting in order before I could manage being a parent.

  • pay off pending medical bills
  • look into steps of buying a house
  • begin the process of buying a house by February
  • remember to take those go*% da*# daily multi-vitamins

Matt has also expressed his need to get these things in order. As a complete surprise to myself, he has often turned to me and made comments that I never thought I’d hear him say. Things about wanting to be father, preparing for a family, and a future with children of his own. But there have been other lists running through my head lately. Lists of memories I have with my own mother and lists of moments I don’t want to miss:

  • My little girl finding my box of wedding jewelry and asking to try it on
  • Matt holding our little boy up higher to see something he can’t reach.
  • Teaching our pre-teen daughter the proper way to wear make-up that will go best with her eyes.
  • Grounding our teenage son because he came home late. . .again.

I know that other couples faced with infertility must have the same thoughts that I often have when thinking about these things, or when around other couples who have kids. I think, How can anyone who conceives so easily truly understand or comprehend the complete miracle their children are? Can they really have full appreciation for their blessings if it wasn’t hard to obtain?

Just as I don’t really know what being a parent is like, they can never truly know what struggling to become a parent is like. I don’t doubt that these parents love their children with every fiber of their existence, but could they ever really know. . . .you know.. . .what we know?

Different View

My husband and I are up and out. We’ve moved to a new city and back on track again.

For the past two months we’ve been in our own apartment, in a new city, and very satisfied to do so. Matt has been working his new job for two weeks and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sure a lot of you know what it feels like to be coming out of harder times. I’m just grateful that it wasn’t worse, which it definitely could have been.

A medical update:

It wasn’t a few weeks under our new health insurance that I wound up in the hospital with severe abdominal pains. I left after two days not knowing exactly what the cause was. Gallbladder malfunction has been a problem in my family for generations so I will need to see a specialist to have the proper tests. After extensive internet research, my husband thinks that it could all be related to the hormones I’ve been taking and that my Gallbladder not working properly could be the cause of my messed-up hormones. It was my decision to stop taking the hormones for a month until I can see a doctor.

After my first experience being admitted to a hospital, I am not altogether trusting of doctors. I kept feeling like I was being treated for symptoms, rather than finding the source of my problems. If hormones and Gallbladder are related, I want to be treated for the Gallbladder to hopefully regulate my hormones. Matt, my husband, thinks that the Gallbladder is meant to regulate hormones and if it isn’t working that could have been the source of my problem all along. Taking synthetic hormones has just been a treatment of a symptom rather than the cause. My goal is to find a doctor who can treat me with a holistic approach.

Being off the hormones, I’m hoping I can see if my body keeps me on a regular cycle, or goes back to nonexistent cycle. The downside is that my skin problems are returning and I have to watch my diet carefully for non-fat foods that will not aggravate the gallbladder.  Making matters worse, my work has been more stressful than it used to be and Matt went a few months without working. Only time will fix the added pressures we have been under.

End medical update.

Well, enough of the boring stuff. I hate to drone on and on about medical hooey. I include it in the hopes that someone can give me their own input or personal experiences. On a more personal level, I have been very satisfied with our current status in society. But, being away from our closest friends has not been easy.  I was looking forward to being a large part of our friends lives as new parents and it has been painful to be detached from them. With one couple we’ve been close to, distance is the only factor causing us to be. . . .um . . .distant.  I know that we are “aunt and uncle” to their baby girl no matter how far away we are. It thrills me to just be considered a friend and we love to get pictures and updates on how the little girl is doing.

With another couple, I know our detachment is more than just us moving away. It is hard for me to see updates on their new baby bundle because I know we are no one to them. I don’t share in their joy, it just hurts so much. We were once very close, and we often see old movies and pictures that remind us how much fun we used to have together. We had been through so much together. Now, it hurts me too much to even think about their new growing family. I thought we’d always be a part of each other’s lives. I want to feel the joy they feel and be a part of them, but it can never be the same again. We’ve been shut out.

It isn’t worth the drama of fixing our dead friendship because I know it only distracts them from where their focus should really be: their new baby. I cannot be selfish and think that our friendship is more than what it isn’t. I’ve accepted that things will never be the same.

I’m sure that everyone has felt the pains of remembering fun times that will never be again. I look around me, and there is not one couple left of our old friends that hasn’t moved on to Baby Kingdom.  A few bachelor friends remain. They deserve their happiness. It’s like I tell my co-workers who have a bun in the oven “You deserve to have all the rights of passage in this blessed event. If I were an expecting mother, no one could take away my right to complain about nausea, morning sickness, back pains, etc.” All I ask, is that I be around to experience it with you.

Health-Insurance Update

I feel I need to give a little rant and rave lately about our insurance situation. If you’ve been keeping in touch with my blog you might be familiar with our ongoing battle with our insurance company to pay for all the procedure and tests done to me in this medical condition I find myself. If you are not familiar here is a quick (I hope) recap:

Upon my regular visit to my lady doctor to get the yearly lady physical, I had a number of concerns that I shared with my doctor. She ran a blood test that tested a long list of things including hormone levels, thyroid function, and any possible infections or abnormalities that could cause my many concerns. A few hormone levels (I can never remember what they are called) came back higher than normal, similar to a women going through menopause, so she ordered to have me come in and repeat those few tests. Again, they came back higher than normal. So, I was referred to a specialist Fertility Clinic to help decipher the next step. At no point did any doctor warn me that this might cause concern for my insurance company or that I should check for authorization before seeing a specialist.

As deeply afraid, concerned, FREAKED OUT(see past blog posts from this time period) as I was at that time, I didn’t give it a second thought and went to the specialist to see what exactly was going wrong with my body. They confirmed that POF (Premature Ovarian Failure) was the cause for my non-existant periods and my other symptoms. The doctor ordered another blood test, again without authorization, to find out if the condition was caused by molecular level. Thankfully, the results were negative.

It was shortly after this that I got the complete bills from my first tests at the OBGYN. My insurance claims that the POF diagnosis was a “pre-existing condition” and would not cover it. Of course, it was more than we can afford. Of course, it is not a pre-existing condition, so of course, we fought it. They reviewed the matter and found that I had not been to see the doctor for anything relating to this condition for 6 months prior to the hire date, and they opted to pay 70%, still leaving us to pay approx $208 for the lab fees.

Recently, and what you may not know about, they sent us a bill for the complete lab and doctor’s visit to the Fertility Clinic. The total came to somewhere in the $700+ range. I called the insurance company to have them explain why none of this was covered, since I was referred to see them for the same condition that I was seeing the OBGYN. They explained that tests were considered “major” and therefore needed authorization from them before proceeding. I had the option to send the matter to get authorization. “Yes, send it! I should not have to pay for this when a good 20% of what we make goes to your insurance company every month!” I yelled to the representative on the phone.

Yesterday, I received notice from dear old Altuis Health Insurance, my good friend (sarcasm). They informed me that they declined authorization and that the “molecular labs take at the Fertility Clinic were not a necessary treatment, and therefore not covered under our insurance”. I have the option at this point to appeal that decision. Of course, I will.

It is not a wonder to me anymore how many Americans are now going the route of not getting health insurance. Why pay so much a month to a company that doesn’t do it’s part when you need them most? Had we saved the money ourselves and told the doctor that we don’t have insurance, they would have billed me for a lot less and I could have paid it myself. Health-care reform needed? Yes, but who is going to really know what it will take to fix it? If I had it to do all over again: I still would have gotten the diagnosis and treatment recommended by my doctor, because not knowing what was going on with my body was surely killing me. At the same time, how heartless are these insurance companies that they can undermine the disaster that this whole process has been for me personally?

Being Selective

I have no room in my life for people who make me feel bad. I’ve had friends in the past that have said, “I have recently cut off people from my life who are negative and who torture me or make me feel bad.” I would always nod in understanding while in the back of my mind I would think ‘Man, they must have a lot of drama in their life to have friends who would behave that way.’ Now, I am in a position of the same caliber, but for different reasons. I have been blessed to have some really great friends who are supportive, understanding, and are there for me when I need it most. That said, I also have had friends that were more like acquaintances and we slowly drifted further and further apart, neither of us being committed enough in the friendship to call and get together anymore. It is a natural progression of life and it is completely fine with me if I can eventually weed out people from my life to narrow down to the most important, most respondent, most connected friends.

It wasn’t until recently that anyone had blatantly hurt my feelings and caused me to consciously decide to disconnect my relationship with them. When dark times befall you, for whatever reason, you find out who your true friends are. As someone struggling with the idea of being childless, I never wanted any of my friends to be afraid to let me be a part of their childful lives. I have been so grateful to my closest friends, all of whom have recently had babies, for including me in as much of their joy as possible. Rather than being afraid it would only upset me and make me sad, they have made me feel an important role in supporting them. I have been allowed to help with baby shower planning, given updates of the birth, invited to come and hold the baby, even given the nickname “aunt”!

When a close friend who is also expecting was not calling anymore, I figured our time together was coming to an end. I knew that our husbands were close friends and probably always would be, but I am familiar with the signs of “girlfriend breakup”. We will be moving away, out of state, soon and it seemed like a perfect opportunity to weed out anyone who didn’t want to stay connected after we moved away. We would only stay in close contact with the individuals who took the same time and effort they we do to stay in touch. However, this all came to a shocking, sudden halt when I was not invited to this particular friend’s baby shower. The hurt I felt was so strong and upsetting, I just couldn’t understand it. Had I done or said something that would cause this reaction? Maybe, but not that I can easily pinpoint. Was she afraid that the baby themed party would send me into a fit of hysterical crying and ruin her good time? I don’t know, but not likely. I knew we were slowly growing apart, leading our own busy lives, but to deliberately not invite me to a gathering of close friends and family? There have been many many times over the years when I have been there for her most darkest hours. It is a clear message for sure. I guess I should be grateful I don’t have to buy a gift and figure she just didn’t want whatever gift I had to offer.

I am writing about this today to hopefully help people understand what it feels like for childless women are shut out of people’s lives rather than included in them. I am writing this because I now know what it is like to have to shut out a negative person from your life. I choose to shut out anyone who makes me feel so awful because I want to focus my attention on the crowds that make me feel so happy. It is not worth my time and energy to focus on the negative feelings and hurtful response of just one individual.  I am pleased to have such good friends and so many who are understanding of my peculiar situation. As adults, it is our right to be selective of who we choose to spend our time with.

*Sigh* oh well, just two more weeks until the big move.

 In case anyone was curious about the hormone treatment:

It has now been over two months since I started the hormone replacement therapy. I take estrogen daily and progesterone on days 1-12 of each month. I have not noticed any significant change in my skin (darn it), but my weight had kept steady (yeah!). Until taking this hormone medication I had not had a menstruation cycle for more than 9 months. I have now had two regular cycles since. From a medical perspective I do not know if this means I have been ovulating normally, but personally I think it shows promise. I would like to stress again that Matt and I are not particularly eager to have a baby right away, but that it would be nice to know it was possible. Now when people ask “when are you two gonna. . .” or “is there any sign of a . . .any time soon?” I just simply reply, “Now that would be a miracle.”

A new start

Summer babies are being born or getting ready to enter the world soon. A new start for new parents and a new start for us as well. This year has been hard on us for many reasons but it feels that we may finally be getting back on track. I am going back to teaching this year at the school I never wanted to leave. We are hoping that moving away from our hometown and back to the big city will give us a fresh start and more opportunities. Our goals for being more settled, Matt’s career hopefully taking a turn for the better, and my career taking off again will put us in a more secure state of mind.

It won’t be easy and there are still a lot more “hopefully” s than I like to have in my future plans, but we remain optimistic. Talk to me in 6 months when we are either looking for a house, or flat broke and begging on the streets. Either way, at least I’ll have felt that we are moving on. It does bring me comfort to know that I don’t have to plan on any unexpected babies, as we have always been careful to think of in the past. There is a certain freedom to think, “Well, if we are poor, than we are poor. We have no one to answer to but ourselves.”

I have been fortunate enough to see friends and relatives around me start their new lives as parents and it is an amazing transformation. There is something so selfless, spiritual, and uplifting about seeing people close to you become parents for the first time. I might call it pure craziness, because if anyone knew how exhausting and draining being a parent can be, no one would ever have children. And yet we all want it, and do it, and don’t regret it.

I have evolved in these last months, even since my last entry. I would not have called myself “bitter” toward women who get to experience pregnancy and childbirth when I have not, may not ever. I would say that I’ve experienced pain, and mourning, and an eagerness for my life to have some significance. Now I am at peace with my destiny. If I am destined to become a mother, it will be so, when it will be so. I cannot change or fight it, and I certainly won’t put strain on my marriage because of it. Really, there is no need to think of it until we would be ready anyway.

For now, it simply gives me peace of mind to see the struggles of parenthood that I don’t yet have to face. The screaming, messy, stinky bundles of continuous energy. The sleepless nights of worry and  the days of exhausting repetition. The expense, the time, the concerns, the schedules, all revolving around the little one.

To those I know who are about to experience it all: Enjoy every second of it, soak it in, love it all.

Last Post cont. . .

As I read through my last post  again and I  wanted to add a few more comments. While I am feeling my situation is depressing, I myself am resilient. I have support from so many good friends, and I want them to know that I have not lost hope.

In my last post: I relayed the history of my marriage in terms of when we thought the appropriate time to have children would be. We put off thinking about the subject until we felt we were in the next phase (and the next phase, and the next phase) not just because we thought we weren’t ready, but because each phase was in-itself a step toward being ready. The hardest part about infertility was not that we had been putting it off, but that we had spent all these years working toward it. To be at this point in our lives, and find out that we may never have our own children, it is hard not to feel like: What was the point of all of this? What is the purpose of my life now? I worked so hard for something that may not be possible anyway! So I am in a new transition point where I need to find another purpose to my life that may or may not include raising children. I know a lot of other women facing infertility are feeling this way and I have found some links that I would like to share.

My local news station recently put out a story about infertility: http://studio5.ksl.com/?nid=54&sid=10736966

USA today has an article about POI, which happens to be my condition specifically: http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-05-10-OVARIAN10_ST_N.htm