I have been taking a break from blogging due to “distracting yourself from sadness” plan. I have been in a community play, working on art projects for friends, and seeking employment which has worked wonderfully at distracting my mind from any thoughts of self-pity.  My current situation personally, financially, and professionally has caused me to reflect on why I can’t shake the constant feelings of despair. This is what I have come up with:

To explain in-depth I must take you back to the beginning of my marriage, 5.5 years ago. My husband and I were young, some might say too young, to be married but we had been dating for 5.5 years previously and knew we were right for each other. We were unsure of our future plans but a few things were certain. We both agreed that we wanted to have children eventually, but we both agreed it was not to be any time soon. We both agreed we did not want to continue to reside in our home state for any longer than necessary to finish school for several reasons. When we do have children, we both agreed that I would be a stay-at-home mom to raise the children and he would work (in what, I’m still not sure) to support us. I knew what I wanted to do professionally, and he did not, so we also agreed that I would be going to school first while he would work full-time to support us both. At that time in our lives we were both saying “not yet, not yet, we just aren’t ready to have any children” because I wanted to finish school to be a teacher. Also, at 21 he was not yet a fully matured male and the word “babies” sent him into coughing and choking fits.

Four years later, I graduated school to become and elementary school teacher. At that time I was thinking, Okay, it’s Matt’s turn to go to school and figure out his professional ambitions so that he can  support a family the way we always agreed. If I were to get pregnant now, at least I have finished school. But I would not be able to stay at home, so I am certainly not going to try to make that happen yet.  I had the implant birth control put into my arm (which was to last up to 3 years or less) and off we went, out-of-state, to persue his dreams as he went to a vocational school. I taught Kindergarten for a year while he finished school.

Again, we were faced with another cross roads in our marriage. We made the mistake of going back (yes back) to the state, no city, NO HOUSE, we came from. The very place we both agreed we didn’t want to live. The reasoning then was that we would live in my parents new house, save a ton of money by both working full-time for the first time in our marriage, and save to buy a house and move anywhere in the country we wished. I’m sure you can already see flaws in our plan. One, we are living in my parent’s house and two, I would be working full-time. Both are good reasons why we still could not possibly be “ready” to think about having any babies.

The plan flopped. In all of the years of planning, working, struggling, saving, inching our way forward step-by-step, we have ended up in a place far in the opposite direction of our ultimate goal. Neither my husband, nor I, could find decent full-time work to save any kind of money. Financially, professionally, and personally, we are worse off. Imagine, then, the disappointment I felt when finding out that I have a condition that limits my chances and abilities to conceive. All those years of saying, “Not yet, not yet, just one more step forward and I’ll be ready!” only to find out that I’m only ready when Heavenly Father and Mother Earth deem me worthy. It crushes my soul to think that I couldn’t have a baby, and I’m still “not ready”. To conclude my story: I have never experienced a time of despair as I have these last months for so many reasons. For the life of rewards I thought I’d earned. For the loneliness and uselessness I feel for not being able to contribute to my family the way I felt I was born to.

People keep telling me, “God has a plan for you.” As if I blame God. I am versed enough in the spiritual world to not shake my fist at God at a time like this. I know, for whatever reason, my Heavenly Father and Mother will give me trials and I just have faith that they come with rewards. All I can hope for is to keep living.

I realized just the other day that I am not “baby hungry” as most women have described their own need to have children. I got choked up when watching a pair of proud parents watch their high school age daughter in a play because I longed for that too. I don’t just long for a baby to give birth to, carry, feed, and coo at. I long for the chance to raise children, watch them grow, take pride in their accomplishments, empathize with their trials, and need me as I have always needed my mother. 

If you are a mother, go home and hug your children one long time just for me. Happy Mother’s Day